


December 2004

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [18]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2013-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-03 11:33:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/697815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark deals with the woman who thinks he might be her son. <br/>Clark rescues Ryan from a doctor who is experimenting on him only to lose Ryan again. <br/>Jonathan Kent finds out his alien son is hiding a secret from him.<br/>Amidst all the chaos, Clark and Lex find some time to be together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	December 2004

01 December @ 03:07 am

I think I screwed things up. After Pete and I switched the DNA sample at the lab, I went by the mansion to see Lex. I wanted to reassure him that there was no way we could be brothers. I told him once the tests came back he'd see that, but this only made things worse.

I think I don't have a boyfriend anymore. He didn't say it but I could see it in his eyes. He called me on my lies. He's never done that before. I thought my heart was going to stop. I almost told him my secret, but then suddenly I was too terrified. I told him the story about when we first met as children. I told him we're meant to be. He has to feel it the way I do.

I don't know what to think any more. I should have just gone straight home, but I wanted to be near Lex. I wanted to touch him. Instead I destroyed everything.

@ 10:29 am

As Lex would say, fuck! 

I almost told Lex. I went back. I couldn't leave him alone like that. I went back and I was ready to tell him. I would have done anything as long as he wanted me. I thought if I started from the beginning of the story. I told him about how I was found in a field on the day of the meteor shower. I've never told anybody about that. 

It was enough. He believes that I'm not his brother for sure. Somehow I don't think this was about the DNA test at all. 

I sat there staring and it occurred to me that my real parents threw me away. It was so far away that there was no chance of them ever getting me back. Why? Maybe I was evil or maybe they weren't allowed to keep me. So many scenarios I could come up with. 

Lex said he doesn't believe that my real parents threw me away. 

I kept thinking as I stared into Lex's eyes that once he heard 'I fell from the sky the day of the meteor show' come out of my mouth he'd throw me out for sure. I kept thinking 'I can't lose Lex right now.' I just couldn't handle that.

When I got home this morning, I felt calm. I told my parents the sample is switched and then dad went to do some work. He's totally freaked out over everything and really hates that I had to break the law. I could see it in his eyes how much he regrets that I had to do this.

Mom and I talked and she reminisced about that day and she told me how she came up with my name.

Then Lex came by to check up on me. It was good to see him looking happier. We kissed and then he said he didn't want to leave and I told him we have the rest of our lives. I just realized what that means. It's us now forever together. And one day I'll tell him about me, but not right now. Right now I just want things to stay this way. 

Lex and I made a date to go see a movie this Saturday night. He wants to make out in the back row of the theatre. Or so he says. I have my doubts about that part. 

I have to run off to school now. I am way late.

 

02 December @ 01:08 pm

I feel so bad for Rachel. I know she tried to kill Lex, but the way she broke down sobbing in my arms was terrible. I didn't know what to say except that now she knows for sure I'm not her son. The axe smashing on my chest sort of gave away that fact. 

As soon as I moved her to another room away from Lex, I cleaned up the broken ax. It took five seconds to gather all the pieces and bury it where nobody would ever find it. 

Lex is at home and all better now. At least when I left him he seemed better. He said he was going to call a press conference. He's going to make sure Rachel is taken care of. I think he felt just as bad as I did for her. 

I had to lie and tell him that she stopped when I screamed out to her. I hated lying to Lex, but it's for the best. I was so relieved that I made it in time. I think I ran faster than I've ever run in my life. And OW! Axe to the chest. It actually left a mark. It faded seconds later, but man that hurt or maybe I just imagined that it hurt since an axe to the chest really should hurt. 

As soon as Lex was back on his feet, I hugged him close and didn't want to let go. It ended way too soon since I called the police and ambulance and they were there pretty fast. 

Once the ambulance took Rachel away and the police questioned me, Lex called Feegan to come get us. We just told Feegan not to ask.

I have never been so happy to be an alien with my abilities.

 

03 December @ 11:25 am

Lex broke down last night and I feel so bad for saying this, but I'm glad. He really needed it. He said he took something to make him sleep. Then he kept saying stuff about not wanting to sleep in his room. I don't blame him. It must be a reminder of what happened with Bruce. So much has happened to him in the last few weeks. I wish I could take the pain away.

I wish I could say or do something to make him believe that his dad doesn't totally hate him, but I was at a total loss last night. I don't even know what it's like. My dad is always there for me even though I'm so strong; dad never assumes that I can take care of myself. On the other hand, dad does tend to get a little bit over protective. If I'm truthful he gets way overprotective. I'll never forget how he grilled me, though he tried to hide it, every day for a month when I first started going to public school. He wanted to make sure I never used my abilities. I did once, but Pete was totally worth it. 

I called mom last night to let her know where I was and I just called her now to tell her that everything was okay. I told her I'd be home around three to do the chores. She's being so understanding I couldn't wish for a better mom.

Lex and I just had breakfast and it was nice. He's taking a shower now. I think he's much better now. He looks so fragile yet so strong at the same time. I had to stop myself from reaching out to touch. 

Lex just came out of the shower all wet and he smiled.

 

05 December @ 09:01 pm

We drove to another county to go see the movie. I wanted to get away from Smallville. I went to pick Lex up at the mansion and he was asleep in his office. He's had such a hard few weeks. Sometimes I think he's had it hard since we met. At least he was in a better mood and he wasn't tired since he'd slept.

He kept whispering in my ear during the movie, which was such a turn-on. I wanted to kiss him, but I was too afraid that someone would see. I think I got hard about a million times.

Later when we drove home I asked if we could find a private spot and make out. We kissed and it was so hot but I held back. I know it's totally worth waiting for. I x-rayed through his clothes to get a peek and it was such a nice peek. If they try to bug me about it I'll smack them into orbit. I wouldn't for real but I can pretend I would. My red meteor version would totally do it. He has no fear and sometimes I miss that. Sometimes I wish I had no fear, but fear controls me and I hate that. I don't want that at all.

One day I'll be able to get up in front of the whole world and show no fear as myself. Maybe I'll have to wear a disguise to do it, but I can always hope it will happen.

I've become so aware of how I behave around Lex when we're in public or with a mixed crowd. I don't mind that much. I don't want dad to figure out that I'm gay. I want to be the one who tells him. 

It's so quiet right now. Dad was just here a half hour ago. We talked and he told me that he's sorry we haven't had as much time to do father son stuff lately. I'm not sure what's up with him. He did tell me that he still hates that mom works for Lionel. Now that I know why dad resents him, I guess I can understand why he hates him so much. I asked dad if he was afraid that Lionel would come take me away from him and mom. He got this freaky look in his eyes. I reassured him that Lionel had actually told me I could go over to the mansion any time I wanted. I told him how grateful Lionel was that I had saved Lex twice in as many weeks. 

Dad got this look in his eyes when we talked about Lex. I asked him to tell me again about that day. I wanted him to tell me every detail about when he saved Lex. Dad told me he remembers how fragile Lex felt in his arms.

I wish I could remember that day. I wish I could remember touching Lex. I asked dad about that but he said that he was paying attention to the road and didn't really see it. He told me to ask mom about it. I told him that Lex means a lot to me. He hugged me and said he already figured that out. I don't think he thinks that it's anything more than friendship, because in the next breath he said that I've always felt close to all of the people that I make friends with.

I wish I could tell dad. I really wanted to. I felt so close to him in that moment when we were talking. I love my parents so much. Maybe soon I'll be able to tell him. I was thinking that maybe I'd tell him the gay part first maybe ease him into the idea.

 

06 December @ 08:07 pm

I got an e-mail from Ryan. It sounds like things are going great with him. I thought about asking mom if we could call him and see if maybe Ryan could come to visit for a few days over the holidays. I've been so busy lately that I never got a chance to go see him again like I wanted. 

Now I have to study. I told mom and dad that I'd crack the books big-time. Mom promised she'd bring me a slice of apple pie. 

The worse part is that I have to reread all those poets again. I can't wait. Too bad sarcasm doesn't translate to the written word.

The highlight of my day was when I kissed Lex in his office during deliveries. I walked into his office. I closed the doors behind me so we could have some privacy and I backed him up against the pool table and pulled him close. The kiss was soft, long, and lingering. There was tongue. I'm thinking about it right now as I type this.

 

10 December @ 04:31 pm

I went to do deliveries yesterday and as usual Lex was in his office. I don't know why I felt anxious but I did. I wasn't sure what would happen. I did lock the door but I didn't want to assume. We ended up having sex on his sofa. I tried so hard not to hurt him. I held my strength in check. I was too afraid I'd bruise him or break something. I'm sure that I didn't hurt him physically. I can't say about emotionally though since he seemed so off and he was so quiet. He had this look in his eyes that made me want to take him somewhere far away and hide out with him forever so that nothing could ever hurt him again. 

The sex was fantastic. He was so tight. I tried to make it last but it's been a while and I came so fast. It was totally embarrassing. I think I blushed ten times when I was there.

His stab wound is almost totally healed it's freaky. There's this white scar. I kissed it and he got morose. We didn't say much. After I sucked him off and cleaned us both up, we just lay there in each other's arms. I feel safe with him and I love when he touches my hair. I can feel how much he loves me just from that one simple action. 

I wish we hadn't hooked up in his office. I thought for sure that he'd ask me to come back later in the nighttime. It sucked that I had to get back to deliveries. It felt like something wasn't right, but I couldn't put my finger on what that could be. Maybe it's just all the stuff that's happened. People tried to kill him twice and the first time I wasn't there to save him. He almost died.

I had a nightmare last night that Lex was in danger and no matter how fast I ran I couldn't save him. I got there and he was dead. I thought I woke up screaming his name but my mom and dad didn't come running so that must have been in my dream.

 

12 December @ 09:07 am

I had that nightmare again. I haven't had this one in a long time. I thought for sure I was finally over it. In the nightmare I told Lex about my alien heritage. Lex told me he'd ruin my life. I hate that dream so much. I know it's just my own fears. I wish I were just human like everybody else around me.

 

13 December @ 11:07 am

Ryan just called. He sounded so scared. He said he's someplace called Summerholt and he said they're experimenting on him. That's my worse nightmare. I have to find him and save him right now. Mom called his aunt but her phone is disconnected. How could this have happened without me noticing something was up? I should have noticed. I should have seen it in his e-mails. I should have called him. 

He sounded so afraid. Pete told me I shouldn't beat myself up over it, but what kind of friend am I if I didn't even know something was wrong with Ryan. 

At least Chloe is helping me find him. I know she'll be able to track Ryan down. 

If they hurt him I don't know what I'll do.

@ 06:05 pm

I don't care what that place told Mom. I'm going to Metropolis to see what's wrong with Ryan. I hope she understands when she finds all the money in her purse gone.

 

14 December @ 11:06 am

I know I shouldn't have kidnapped Ryan, but everything turned out great. Lex just left and Ryan is living with us now. 

I couldn't leave him at that place. When I saw him and how they were treating him, there was no way I could walk away. Now he can stay with us. Lex made sure of that. 

Mom and Dad were really angry but they stood by me. They are the coolest. Lex is awesome. I was so proud when he drove up at the last second and pulled out that court order that made my parents Ryan's legal guardians. When Lex told that doctor that he would make sure the police investigated him if he tried to have me arrested, I wanted to kiss Lex on the spot. I couldn't since mom, dad, and Ryan were right there, but I will for sure when we have some time alone.

I felt kind of bad last night when I lied to Lex about why Ryan was at Summerholt, but Ryan was already scared enough. I didn't want to add to it. After I settled Ryan in one of the far bedrooms at the mansion, I went home to find the doctor at our house and he'd brought the sheriff with him. Since what that man was doing was illegal he didn't get into details last night and when he came back this morning Lex totally trashed him. 

At least Ryan can't read my mind. I was thinking all kinds of nasty stuff about what I wanted to do to that doctor. Not to mention all the naughty thoughts I had about how I was going to thank Lex for coming to our rescue. I can't wait to thank him. Hopefully while Lex was here he kept his thoughts family rated. I'd ask Ryan what Lex was thinking but I really don't want him to have to repeat it. I guessed from how much he stared at Lex that maybe Lex wasn't thinking G rated thoughts. 

I told Ryan what Lex means to me and he was completely cool with it. He even got tears in his eyes then teased that maybe he would have a shot with Lana now that I was taken. I didn't have the heart to tell him that Lana and Chloe are dating. I'll leave that for her to tell since it's her secret. That is if she wants to tell him. He'll find out when he sees her later today at the Talon. Then I can just explain if he asks about it. 

I get to stay home from school today, but the down side is I have to go help dad with all the chores.

@ 01:08 pm

This is Ryan

CK is letting me use his computer while he does some farm work. I'm living with his family now thanks to Lex. This place is so amazing. I have never been so happy to be somewhere in my life. CK is so cool. He saved me. He's really good at that. We just had breakfast with his mom, dad, and Lex. It was like a big happy family. Everybody was laughing and smiling. It was great. 

I better stop taking up all this space. I'm feeling a little tired and Mrs. Kent told me to get some rest. She's bringing me a snack and then I'm going to stay up in CK's room. 

@ 08:54 pm

Chloe and Lana threw Ryan a surprise party at the Talon this afternoon. Ryan figured it out ahead of time, but he still pretended to be surprised. It was nice to see him happy. He's totally crushing on Lana. It's so cute. He blushed when she kissed him on the cheek. It was adorable. 

We couldn't stay that long. Ryan told me that Pete is totally freaked out over knowing my secret. That sucks. I never wanted him to be so panicked over it. I have no idea what to say. It's so cool that Pete knows but I don't want him so stressed over it. 

After Ryan and I left kept going on about how pretty Lana looked and how even though he didn't have a chance with her he still got a kiss on the cheek. 

He asked me who knew about me being gay. So I told him that Lana and Chloe both knew and that my mom knew. I told him that I felt Pete already had a big enough secret. Ryan specifically asked me if dad knew. I told him I've been waiting for the right time to say something. Ryan only nodded and said that he thinks dad wouldn't be angry with me. 

I can't wait for Ryan to become a permanent member of our family. Mom and dad are going to adopt him. I just know they will. Lex said he'd do everything in his power, which means that Ryan is not going anywhere. He's staying with us for good.

I told Ryan about how Lex and I first met. It's such a great story and Ryan smiled and said it had to be fate. There was no way it wasn't. Then I told him it was fate that he and I should be brothers. 

He just fell asleep. I stayed with him for a while and then I called Lana to ask her to come over so I could thank her for the party. She stopped by and then told me that she's moving to the city. Ryan already read her mind and I was hoping she would confide in me. Chloe must have totally freaked out when she found out. Lana said she doesn't want to move so I told her she shouldn't have to. Her life is here and her girlfriend is here. I'd be sad if she left. I hope she works things out. 

Mom is humming and stuff so I know for sure that she's totally happy that Ryan is here. I love my parents so much.

 

15 December @ 09:46 am

I can't even imagine what it must be like to have to hear other people's thoughts. To hear what they really think about you. Sometimes I wish I could do that with Lex. 

Ryan told me he read how much Lex loves me. We talked about why I haven't told Lex my secret. Now it's all I can think about. I'm just too afraid. The thought of losing Lex completely or even the thought of him hating me so much for lying to him all this time hurts. If Ryan could read my thoughts he'd have read how terrified I am. I took the risk and told Pete and now Ryan tells me Pete is afraid that he'll slip up. 

But it isn't just that. I have mom and dad to think about. I have Lex to think about. If something happened to him because he knows about me I'd never be able to live with that. But maybe all these things are just excuses and I should just tell Lex. I should just run over there and tell him now, and get it over with. That way I can deal now, but then I imagine that he tells me to go and never come back. 

I know he loves me, but what if it's not enough. What if I say the words and he hates me forever? My hands shake just imagining what could happen. 

It's too much and I can't handle it anymore. I need to talk to mom about this. Now I can't even go to school. I'm way too upset. 

I hate this so much. I wish I was just a normal human then I wouldn't have to deal with any of this.

@ 10:56 am

He's just a kid. Why does this have to happen? We're supposed to be a family now. 

Ryan is in the hospital sick. He's got a tumor in his brain and the he told me nothing can save him, but I'm not going to let him down. I can't. No matter what it takes I will not give up on him.

He's such a good kid. I won't let him down.

@ 11:44 am

No matter what it takes I'm going to find somebody who can help Ryan. The doctors told dad that the tumor is getting bigger. I refuse to let Ryan down. There is no way I 'm going to sit back and watch him die. I have to do something. I have to help him. I have to. This isn't supposed to happen. I want him to be better. I want him to live so we can be a family, and he can be my brother and I can teach him things.

Lex will help. I just called him and he said he's going to find somebody who can help Ryan. I totally broke down on the phone when I was talking to him.

Times like this are when I love Lex even more than I did five minutes ago. 

Ryan is going to be fine. I just know he is.

@ 07:25 pm

I talked this doctor Lex found into coming to our town and operating on Ryan. We have to wait to see tomorrow how things went, but I have a great feeling about this. I just know it's going to be okay. 

I didn't mean to snap at Lex the way I did. I was just totally freaked out. 

I won't give up and I won't let Ryan down. 

I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight.

 

16 December @ 10:41 am

I almost told Lex the truth. We were sitting on the sofa in his office, he looked into my eyes, and I wanted to tell him. I wanted him to know, but it was bad timing. I have to concentrate on Ryan. Ryan needs me right now.

Last night was so perfect. I went over and Lex knew just what I needed. When I was with him, I felt so brave and sure that things were going to work out for the better. I know they will. As long as I have Lex and my parents and Ryan in my life everything will be all right. 

I'm going to go to the hospital now to see how Ryan is doing. I have a really good feeling about this. He'll be home with us, we'll have Christmas together, and everything will be okay. 

It has to be.

@ 09:18 pm

I just came home from the hospital. Tomorrow Ryan is going to be allowed to come over and spend the day with us. Today thanks to Lex, we went on a balloon ride. It was terrifying, but I had Ryan there to help me. I'm still afraid to fly but at least I got to give Ryan one of his dreams. Up so high everything seemed so much different.

The operation bought Ryan a few more days. We're going to spend as much time together as possible. 

 

17 December @ 12:51 pm

Dear Clark

Thank you for everything you did for me. You gave me so much happiness the last few days and I wanted you to know that I'm very grateful for that. Tell your mom and dad that I love them. 

Please don't be upset when I'm gone. I want you to be happy. You made my life so much better, Clark. I know you'll do the same for lots of other people. Remember what I told you on the balloon ride. Don't give up. 

Lex loves you so much. I saw it in his mind. You should trust him. 

Take care of your mom and dad and please be happy. I really want that for you. 

Love   
Ryan

@ 10:11 pm

In the morning Mom and I picked Ryan up from the hospital. We came home and had lunch. It was just the four of us; Ryan, Mom, Dad and I. Then after lunch I drove the truck over to the mansion and Ryan and I spent the afternoon with Lex. We had a great time. I learned a lot about Warrior Angel. I think I'm going to start reading the comics. Lex is going to hook me up. 

After that, Ryan and I went home and Lana stopped by to spend some time with us. She stayed for dinner. It was good to see Ryan happy. Lana even told him that she was his date for the evening. When Lana gave him a kiss on the cheek again, I thought for sure he was going to pass out from joy.

After she left, Ryan and I went up to my room. I was afraid Ryan had overdone it, but he told me that he was happy. He passed out and we had to call an ambulance to take him back to the hospital. Just before he passed out he told me that he had the best day ever. 

I'm going back first thing in the morning.

 

18 December @ 09:47 pm

Ryan died this morning at ten. He never woke up so it was like he fell asleep forever. I went to the hospital early so I could be by his side to let him know that he wasn't alone. Mom was there with me the whole time. She was so strong. I'm lucky to have both my parents. 

I'm sticking close to home for the weekend. Mom and Dad are arranging his funeral. It's going to be held on Tuesday. 

I'm glad I had him in my life and that I got to spend some time with him. He was the best brother anybody could ever have. 

I hope he's somewhere where he can fly high all the time.

I brought his comic books back to Lex this afternoon and we spent some time together. I thought for sure I would break down, but somehow having Lex there made me feel stronger. He's my rock. 

Now, sitting here alone in my room, I realize that Ryan was right. I shouldn't be sad. I changed his life and he was happy right up until the last moment. That's what matters. 

I will forever remember the time we shared.

 

19 December @ 11:17 pm

It's cold outside tonight. I stood out in the cold air for a long time, staring up at the stars, wondering which one I come from.

I don't even notice the cold. I've felt cold before when I was weak and exposed to the meteor rocks, but I can hardly remember what that was like. I've only ever been weak a few times in my life. I don't feel physical weakness. I have no idea what it's like. 

I spent some time with Pete today. We talked about the differences between him and me. We traded stories. I told him about what it felt like to feel no pain. I told about the time an engine fell on my chest and all I did was toss it off like a blanket.

It's strange to know that all the people around me are so vulnerable and will one day die. I don't even know if I can die. There was that one time Sean froze me. I'm pretty sure I was dead for a little while. There was that vision Cassandra had of me surrounded by graves. Lex didn't have a headstone. I wonder if that means something. I can't stop thinking about these things.

Today was a quite day. The sun rose and set, I did chores, I stared at the stars for a long time. I feel cold inside tonight.

 

21 December @ 05:09 pm

Ryan's funeral was today. A lot of my friends were there. The day started out sunny but quickly became overcast. I wore my black Sunday suit. Mom was totally there for me and Dad even thanked Lex for everything he's done for us. 

I had a nightmare last night. I was in the field of tombstones and everybody I had ever met had a stone; even Lex. I was alone and the whole world was empty. Just like Cassandra's vision. 

I have Lex now. He was at the funeral, standing right by my side. I wanted to hold his hand, but we obviously couldn't. That bothered me, but I reached over and took mom's hand. 

I just want to curl up and sleep for a very long time. It's too painful right now to even think about things. But I can't. I have work to do and I have people counting on me. I have gifts to get. I already picked something up for Lex. I got him a black leather wallet. It's probably not as good quality that he's used to. I hope he likes it. I'm putting my latest school picture in one of the photo slots. 

I did all my Christmas shopping early this year. I got Mom a crystal globe of the world; Dad gets some new heavy-duty work gloves. When I asked him what he might want he just said that was the only thing he needed, and his family by his side. I love that kind of gift. If I could tell everybody what I really wanted it would be to have us all together and happy. To have my dad know about Lex and accept it, to have Lex know about me and accept it and to have Chloe and Lana be able to hold hands in public at the Talon just like any other couple.

@ 07:25 pm

I went over to the mansion to spend a few hours with Lex. Lex was amazing. Everybody was amazing. I feel better now, knowing that Ryan is at peace and that he touched so many people's lives.

Lex and I played a quiet game of chess in his sitting room. He seemed a little distant. When I reached out to touch him it seemed to close the gap between us. We didn't talk about much. I wasn't in the mood and I got the very distinct impression that he wasn't either. 

I told Lex how I feel about him. I don't think I will ever get tired of saying those words to him. I wanted to tell him my secret but I didn't know how to say it. I wanted him to know that he makes me feel so much stronger. With him by my side, I feel like I can handle anything. 

I'm going to spend some time with my Dad. He's been giving me these looks lately. We need time to regroup, talk, and reconnect. I feel that lately I haven't let Dad into my life. I plan to share as much as I can. I'm still not ready to share my true feelings for Lex with him, but maybe one day soon I can.

 

23 December @ 06:36 pm

I've stayed close to home for the last few days and spent most of my time either doing chores or with mom and dad. Dad was glad when I asked him if we could spend time together. We even talked about what happened. I feel better. Dad really has a way of putting things into perspective. 

Lex was just here. He stopped off to give mom and dad a gift. Dad put it under the tree and thanked Lex then Lex and I went up to my loft to talk. We couldn't do much since dad was near by, but we talked about Christmas day and I promised him that I would stop by to give him his gift. I want to spend some of the day with him. 

I was so tempted to kiss Lex, but I restrained myself. I was a good boy. I can't wait for Saturday night. Then I can do more than kiss him. I really miss being close to him. 

 

24 December @ 04:53 pm

Pete is such a goof. He is so getting a lump of coal in his stocking next year. I went over to exchange gifts with him and spend some time with his family. I got him a Baywatch DVD. We stayed up in his room for most of my visit since his mom asked us to stay out of the way. 

This year he thought it would be totally hilarious if he got me Roswell on DVD and a keychain with a grey alien head. He said the show is all about these aliens who land on earth as kids and go all mopey about it. I can't wait to watch.

Pete's family was really awesome again this year. Although his older brother, who was here visiting from Met U and had taken up residence in Pete's room for his stay, kept telling us to get lost. Pete just wanted to spend some time with him. I wish I had an older brother or sister. It's so great watching them bicker. I couldn't help but smile. 

Now I'm home and Mom is running around busy, getting everything ready for tomorrow. It's going to be just the three of us and I'm so grateful that I have my parents. They have stood by me all this year and Mom has had to shoulder some heavy stuff because of me. I gave her a huge hug and kiss when I got home and thanked her for all her support.

I stopped by Chloe's house on my way home to drop off her gift. I ordered her to open it on Christmas day. I hope she likes the framed picture I got her. I couldn't resist when I saw that picture of her and Lana. They look so happy together. Lana is moving in with Chloe in the New Year.

I can't wait to see Lex tomorrow night. I have his gift all wrapped and ready. I wish I could sneak out tonight at midnight and surprise him. Maybe I will. 

Now I have to rush to do chores with Dad. I wish he would stay with Mom and let me handle the chores. It's cold outside. I'm sure I can convince him to let me do everything while he stays in the warm house. 

The kitchen smells so good. I can't wait to eat and I can't wait to open presents.

 

25 December @ 11:30 pm

The day started out so great. I woke to the smells of food cooking. Dad was already half way through the chores. I rushed to help him finish them just as we headed back into the house for breakfast he stopped me and told me he had nothing to give me as a gift. Then he made this whole speech about how much I've matured over the past year and he pulled out a set of keys for the truck. He handed them to me and told me that whenever I needed the truck for something social or for anything at all, I could use it. 

I was so touched. I told Dad I didn't need gifts. Hearing dad say that he felt I had matured was more than enough. When he said he was impressed at how I've taken responsibility for my own action and that my choices have been, for the most part, sound, it made me feel so proud. He kind of got a little choked up when he was talking. 

We hugged and went in to eat lunch and open the presents. Granddad sent me a nice red turtleneck sweater. Mom must have told him I like red. I couldn't believe he got me something. I didn't get him anything. Dad and Mom liked the gifts I got them. 

After dinner with my parents I went over to see Lex. I went with the intention of giving him a few gifts. One was the wallet but the other was actually for both of us. I wanted sex! And I wanted it now! I had hoped that the condom in the wallet would speak for itself. 

Before we did anything we exchanged gifts. Lex got me some Warrior Angel comic books, Warrior Angel DVD and some graphic novels. I can't wait to read them all and watch the movie. 

I gave him the wallet. Lex got the hint when he found the condom and we had the most amazing, hot, sexy, heart pounding sex on the sofa in his sitting room. I sucked Lex off and then fucked him really hard. He was so awesome and so sexy. After that we sat and watched a movie. I have no idea what it was, since I spent most of the time staring at Lex. He looked so amazing I wanted to stay with him the whole night, but I had to go home. 

When I finally did get home, Dad was up. I think he wanted to make sure the truck made it home in one piece, though he claims he couldn't sleep. 

I went straight to my room. I was going to take a shower, but I'm way too tired. Besides I can still smell Lex on me. It's making me really horny, again. 

This was the best Christmas ever. It was definitely way better than last year's. 

Totally hot sex with my boyfriend was the best gift ever.

 

27 December @ 09:28 pm

My parents and I had a great breakfast this morning then Dad and I did chores. Then at lunchtime I got a call from Lex. He asked me to meet him at the Talon. He said he had something to show me. It turned out to be a new car; a very expensive new car. He was like a kid in a candy store. I didn't even bother to ask him if I could drive. I knew he'd say no. 

I ran into Lana while I was there so we caught up on things since I hadn't seen her in a few days and I gave her the gift I got her. She really liked it.

Lex's new car is a silver Porsche convertible. Lex and I sat and chatted for a while. Then Lex and I went for a drive in his new car. It was his gift to himself. I didn't ask how much it was since I know the price tag would totally terrify me. I can't imagine buying something that expensive for myself. 

Lex practically hugged the car. He was very pleased. I almost asked if he wanted to be alone. 

He drove to the mansion. As soon as we were alone in his study I kissed him. We spent some time together at his place. It was so nice to just hang out and be together. We sat by the fire, kissed, and talked about Warrior Angel, and other stuff. I had such a great time. I was flying high until I got home to find that Mom and Dad are fighting. Dad refused to tell me why they were fighting. He yelled at me to stay out of it and told me to go to my room. 

He was so angry. Mom won't tell me what's up either. Now Dad is in the living room with a pillow and blanket on the sofa. I've been banished to my room without any explanation. This is totally freaking me out. Even when my parents fight they always make up before bed because they refuse to go to bed angry at each other.

I decided to stay out of it unless one of them asks me to stick my nose in and even then maybe I'll still stay out of it. Dad said it was something between them. When I asked him if it had anything to do with me he just walked away without a word. Maybe it does have to do with me and they don't want to tell me. Maybe they had a huge fight and are going to break up for good.

I better not go there because I'm sure if that was the case they would tell me right away since I'm not a little kid and Dad just told me how mature he thinks I've become. I wish I could talk to Mom and make her feel better. 

I wonder whose idea it was for Dad to sleep on the sofa. I'm not going to speculate until they tell me what's really going on. I know my parents and they will probably have all of this fixed before I wake up tomorrow.

 

28 December @ 12:10 pm

Last night I called Lex to talk. He cheered me up. He doesn't know it but he said all the right things. I think he sells himself a little short when he says he's not good at family stuff. He's right about Mom and Dad. Before I know it, things will be just fine with them.

Mom and Dad are still not talking, but Dad and I talked during chores. He seemed freaked when I asked if they were going to split up. He told me that would never happen and then he asked me to stay out in my loft while he talked to Mom. They're talking right now. I hope they work it out.

I'm not that worried since I know they will work it out for sure. Dad can be stubborn but he loves my Mom a lot. I bet I'll come in for lunch to find them all hugs and kisses. I so didn't need that image, but I would be happy to see it right now. 

For now I'm just hanging out waiting for things to look like they've blown over.

@ 11:16 pm

Mom and Dad made up. Everything is cool. I even had a talk with Dad. He acted a little weird, but in a good way. He told me that he's here for me if I ever need to talk about anything, or if I'm stressed about the anything. I almost told him about Lex, but after the argument, I didn't want my parents to fight again.

I spent most of the day doing chores. Dad and I spent two hours working on the stupid tractor. I hate that thing so much. I really do wish I could throw it into orbit, but I heard there's already enough space junk out there. 

At least we had fun. Well, I did. Dad was not amused. Tomorrow we work on it some more. I have no idea what we need it for since we're not doing any fieldwork. I guess dad just wanted us to do something together. Dad is weird like that. He doesn't seem to think that we could do anything else together. After dinner I asked him if we could maybe go to a movie or something some time this week. He hugged me and said sure. Totally weird, but then parents are weird.

Mom is much happier. I didn't ask what the fight was about since it's over and if they want to tell me they will. Dinner was so much nicer tonight. Now I'm going to do some reading.

 

29 December @ 09:02 pm

Even when I was the biggest dork in the history of dorks and Whitney tried everything in his power to embarrass me at every turn, I was not this embarrassed.

Dad just took me to a strip club. With girls taking off their clothes and throwing said shed under things at my face. It was so humiliating. I was too shocked to do anything else but rush out and wait for him in the truck. Dad wasn't far behind. 

Then on the way home I found out why he had taken me to that place. 

Dad found out that I'm gay! 

He told me he's known about me being gay since Ryan was here. He's knows all this time! I can't believe I've spent all these weeks fretting over this and Dad has known all this time. If this situation weren't so serious, I would almost find it funny. 

Dad actually thought if I saw what I was missing out on I'd change my mind. My Dad's logic is so weird. I don't think I could have blushed harder if I tried. I was so humiliated. I know he meant well but I told him point blank that it's not about that. I told him I find girls attractive, just not like that. Dad must have seen how embarrassed I was, but he really thought this would change my mind. What the hell must he have been thinking all this time? He's known for weeks! And I never once clued in.

I thought back to every moment in the past few weeks and the clues were all there, I'm just too dumb to pick up on them. 

There was a very long silence after I finally said out loud that I am gay. Then Dad said he didn't mind my choice (adding he needed to get used to the idea) but he did mind that I kept it from him. He was angrier with that than anything else. 

The rest of the ride home was spent in silence. I wasn't sure what else to say at that point. It did give me time to think. When we finally did get home Dad apologized for taking me to that place. 

Then the real argument started when I shouted out that I'm dating Lex. I couldn't help it. Dad kept going on and on about how maybe if I try to date a girl, like Lana, I might change my mind. In the heat of the moment, I finally just blurted out that I was never going to change my mind and that I'm dating Lex. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted saying them. I should have given dad more time, but I was getting so frustrated and I wanted him to stop telling me that maybe I'm not really gay. 

At first he was too shocked to say anything, but then he asked if he did something wrong to make me this way. Or if maybe he wasn't there for me enough. Or if maybe not going out for sport made me gay. Then it was 'Lex must have made me gay.' To which I said 'yes Dad, being hit by Lex's car made me gay'. He really wasn't in the mood for jokes. 

I reassured Dad that Lex takes really good care of me and that we are very careful. I probably could have chosen a better way of saying it. I'm so glad Dad does not have heat vision. His glare might have burnt me to a crisp.

Then, of course, the demands started. I had to walk away because otherwise I would have told Dad to go to hell. He told me that I was never to tell Lex my secret. 

I can hear my parents talking now. The fight they had earlier this week was about me. All the hugs and those times he told me I can talk to him about anything no matter what. I wondered why he kept urging me to confide in him. I feel like a total idiot for not figuring it out sooner.

When I tell Lex, he's going to flip out. I promised myself that when I told dad about us, I'd make sure Lex knew ahead of time so he could prepare. Now it's all out in the open and I have no idea what to do next. 

Dad just came up to check on me. He reassured me he's not mad that I'm gay. He looked so uncomfortable, but at least he still hugged me. He apologized and said no matter what he still loves me. 

He asked what I was doing and I told him I was writing in my journal. I feel so much better now that Dad knows. I have wanted him to know for so long. I can't imagine that it's going to end this well when Lex knows that Dad knows. 

At least Dad didn't ask if I'm sleeping with Lex. Maybe Lex and I should move to Paris.

 

30 December @ 02:27 pm

Dad and I talked during chores. This morning, Dad suddenly asked me how long this gay thing has been going on. I wasn't sure what he meant but I told him that maybe I've always known, I just never knew for sure until I fell in love. I looked him right in the eye when I said it. He knew I was talking about Lex. 

He went back to cleaning out the barn after that. Then at breakfast Dad acted like everything was totally back to normal. We went back to doing more work on the tractor, which was Dad's way of saying he wanted to have a heart-to-heart talk. Everything was great until he asked how far things have gone between Lex and me. That was totally embarrassing. I wanted to hide, but I told him that things have gone places. I stressed that Lex has never made me do anything against my will. 

Then he asked all kinds of question like if I'm being careful not just in public but also in private. 

It seems like he's taking it well. The true test will be how he acts when he sees Lex next. Since we don't do deliveries this week because of the holidays I won't see Lex today and I'm way too busy to go over. The truth is I'm way to chicken to go over. If I go over then I have to tell him what I did. I need time to regroup and figure out how to break the news to him so he won't freak and leave town or something just as drastic.

I made Dad promise not to freak on Lex or blame him for any of this. I told him it was all my own choices and that Lex has always been very careful with my feelings.

Then of course Dad had to bring up my secret. He told me I had to be very careful. I know he and Mom will talk about this more. I told Dad that Mom has my back. She's right there in the middle of Luthor territory so she can keep an eye on things. That seemed to make him feel much better. 

In the end we didn't come to any real agreement about whether I can tell Lex. I sort of steered Dad away from forcing me to make a promise I know I am just not willing to keep. One day I want to tell Lex the truth, and right now I just want Dad to get used to the idea that I'm with Lex. 

Now I have to get back to work and probably more questions.

Best comment by Dad so far today. 'You don't look gay.' What exactly is gay supposed to look like? 

Oh and he told me that once he knew, he watched me and noticed how much attention I paid to Lex. He said he thought I had a crush on Lex. He advised that maybe I shouldn't act too excited when Lex is around. It might give people not as open-minded as him the wrong idea. 

I love my Dad. He's so accepting. I guess the fact that I'm an alien from another planet gave him enough practice to just roll with whatever life throws at him.

Now I need to figure out a way to tell Lex. I hope that goes as smoothly.


End file.
